Category Archives: Big Box Stories

I Like Backgrounds

“You know, you could take all the portraits shot in the district in the last six months and throw them on the floor.” I say as I look at some of my portraits over The Passer’s shoulder. “And I wouldn’t be able to pick mine out.  We all do the same poses.” “Look at that […]

Oh Be Nice!

“Are you ready to take pictures yet?” The eager little old lady says with a bright smile. “If your ready, you can take my picture.” “I’m not ready yet, Ma’am.” I say as I wheel my cart filled with black boxes into the future camera room. “I’ll be ready in about an hour and half […]

The Busy Time of The Year

The end of August until the beginning of December is usually the busy time for Assembly Line Portraits.  It’s a little cooler, so people aren’t sweating and uncomfortable as they are in the summer.  But it’s not so cold that everyone has to bundle up and crush their clothes as if they are going on […]

If It’s Good Enough for David LaChapelle

“Hey guys, I found some great new videos.” The Boss says with his best telemarketer’s smile. “I think everyone here should buy one.” “If it’s that great.” I say. “Why don’t you buy it for us?” “These videos are for your benefit.” He says and nods sagely. “Don’t you want to improve as a photographer?” […]

Paid on Comission

“When you get 60 percent of the people on the list to come in and have their portraits taken-we pay you 10 percent commission.  If you can get 90% of the people on the list to come in, we pay you 35% commission.” The Manager smiled his best used car salesman smile and winked.  “That’s […]

That’s a Joke, Son

“What do you call a dog with no legs?” I say as I try to get the couple to smile. “Unlucky.” The man says. “Doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.” I capture an image, but it is not really all that good. I’m kind of a minimalist portrait photographer-I spent only a few minutes with […]

Danger Will Robinson

“This light-head is broken.” My fellow Assembly Line Portrait photographer says as she pulled down a light with a burnt out bulb. “I need to replace this bulb.” “Ok.” I say as I look around in the small storeroom for a spare bulb. Before I can find one, the other Photographer grabs the burnt out […]

Stealing Food From My Mouth

“Please stop that.” I say to the teenage girl standing behind me with her cellphone held up to snap a picture. “Why?” she says, honestly confused that I don’t want her to take photos of her parents after I have posed and positioned them. “Do you eat candy out of bins before you weight it?” […]

In The Beginning II

“Did you need special training to become a photographer?”  The Little Girl says as I set up the shot of her family. “Nah, I just found an ad that said No Experience Necessary and I thought, Hey, I got no experience.” I smile as I give my usual answer. “I’d like to be a photographer […]

The Size of Their Toys

“What kind of a camera is that?” The Man says as he squints to read around the cowling that surrounds my camera. “An Olympus-something or another.” I say as I adjust the lights. “It’s a five megapixel digital camera.” “That’s kind of small these days, isn’t it?” “Well, we’re not using these images to cover […]