Kiddos
“Go away.” The little girl says as I move in close to her and rearrange the props and background.
“We’re just going to turn you the other way now.” I say as I lean down to the two year olds level.
“Go away.” She says as I move her. “Go away.”
Kiddos are the best and the worst part of being an Assembly Line Portrait photographer. There is an amazing variety in how children grow and mature. Some two years are tiny adults, speaking with perfect grammar and have a great deal of self awareness. Other two years are walking tantrums that never stop crying about how unfair life is. Much the same can be said about most teenagers.
“Say turkey.” I tell the four year as I try out one of my new tricks to get kids to smile.
“Turkey?” he says in total bewilderment.
“Did you call me a turkey?” I asked in mock disbelief. The kiddo just stares at me.
“Ok, say cheese.”
“Cheese!” He shouts and smile a huge smile. I snap the picture.
Most of the time the kiddos are alright, it’s the Parents you want to take out behind The Big Box Store and stuff into a dumpster. Some Parents are complete and total idiots, as any Teacher can tell you. Parents slap their kids around if they don’t smile, threaten to slap them around, and resort to every kind of bribery known to man. All of these work, from time to time.
I’ve had Parents threaten me when I told their child to do something, such as hop off a stool or stand over there. I’ve had Parents tell me their three old is too old for that-at which point I tell them a Stephen Wright joke that Mom doesn’t understand. I’ve had countless Parents take a child out of the room and return with a red eyed and terrified child-who smiles through trembling lips for the picture.
Some Parents want their little Hitlers to grow up thinking everyone on Earth is going to bend over for them and do whatever they say. I’m not one of those people. I ignore the small child that wants to ask a question every three seconds. I take things away from greedy little tots that think everything on earth belongs to them.
I lay all the blame for these future Lindsay Lohans and Danny Bonaduces on their doting and enabling parents. These are the parents that stand outside the prison wailing to the stars as their little precious-Ok, not all parents are Joan Crawford-but the handful that are-really, really make a lasting impression. Most Parents are good people.
“Our baby’s a little weird.” Mom said as I set up the Infant Poser and we got the four month old into place. “He likes polka dots.”
“Ok.” I say as she hands me an old washcloth with a polka dot pattern on a white field. I compose the shot in the camera, move forward and hold up the piece of cloth. The baby smiles to beat the band. I go through the poses and the baby smiles everything time like clockwork when I show him the polka dots. One of the easiest baby pictures I ever took.
I was taking portraits at Christmas time, and one of our props is a bunch of boxes wrapped like presents and a Christmas Tree background. I’m taking portraits of a beautiful little girl about six years old. She is having none of it. She doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want her picture taken. Is unhappy and looks completely pissed off in all the pictures.
Until the last one. I set the props around her and hand her a box to hold. She smiles for the first time and I take her portrait. Then I take the props away and she starts to scream bloody murder. She thought I was giving her a present, and then I took it back. This was a cute pose, but we saved it for last for just this reason.
As an Assembly Line Portrait Photographer I see Kiddos on the full spectrum-sweet and wonderful until about the fifth grade, when they turn moody and begin that horrible climb into adulthood along the angst filled road of teenagerhood. These kids revert back to being two year olds and nothing will make the grumpy teenager smile.
Oh well, can’t win them all. Maybe if I still had that bit of cloth with the polka dots. . .